Live 4 Metal - cradle of fun

Are rap and black metal alike?

Rap: Obsessed with "keeping it real", an arbitrary set of rules
Black metal: Obsessed with "staying true", an arbitrary set of rules

Rap: Band members with fake names
Black metal: Band members with fake names

Rap: Complaints about oppression from white Christians
Black metal: Complaints about oppression from white Christians

Rap: Overly concerned with making money
Black metal: Overly concerned with not making money

Rap: Cheesy synthesizers
Black metal: Cheesy synthesizers

Rap: Barely in English
Black metal: Barely in English

Rap: Strong feelings about God
Black metal: Strong feelings about God

Rap: Black skin
Black metal: Black leather

Rap: 100 guest appearances on every album
Black metal: 100 side projects by every band member

Rap: Musicians arrested for murder
Black metal: Musicians arrested for murder

Rap: Closed-minded fanbase
Black metal: Closed-minded fanbase

Rap: Very expensive tennis shoes
Black metal: Very expensive leather boots

Rap: Imagery containing dogs
Black metal: Imagery containing wolves

Rap: Negative portrayals of whites
Black metal: Negative portrayals of Jews

Rap: Rips off samples from pop music
Black metal: Rips off ideas from classical music

Rap: Videos with super-shiny floors and cars
Black metal: Videos with super-shiny swords

Rap: Imagery of the urban jungles
Black metal: Imagery of the bleak forests

Rap: Pride in geographic region
Black metal: Pride in geographic region

Rap: Pride in own race
Black metal: Pride in own race

Rap: Songs about hanging out
Black metal: Songs about hanging people

Rap: Overly concerned with appearance
Black metal: Overly concerned with appearance

Rap: High number of guys with either no hair or long hair
Black metal: High number of guys with either no hair or long hair

Rap: Vocal style masks lack of singing ability
Black metal: Vocal style masks lack of singing ability

Rap: Take pride in their (unintentionally) humorous lyrics
Black metal: Take pride in their (unintentionally) humorous lyrics

Rap: Musicians face accusations of selling out
Black metal: Musicians face accusations of selling out

Rap: Unusual interest in ancestry
Black metal: Unusual interest in ancestry

Rap: Videos with scantily-clad women
Black metal: Promo photos with scantily-clad women

Rap: Booty Calls are a common theme
Black metal: A Call To Arms is a common theme

Rap: Constantly drinking alcohol
Black metal: Constantly drinking alcohol

Rap: Axing people kweshuns
Black metal: Carrying battle axes

Rap: Bitching about being enslaved
Black metal: A bunch of bitches called Enslaved

50 Ways To Annoy A Metalhead

1. Tell them every metal band worships the devil.
2. Ask if all black metal bands are trying to copy KISS or just most of them.
3. Hide their joint under their library card.
4. Ask if they know of any other cool bands like Slipknot.
5. If they're listening to metal, tell them it sounds like some mainstream band. Doesn't matter who.
6. Say it's all a ripoff of Iron Butterfly anyway.
7. Ask if they've given their souls to Jesus yet.
8. Vaguely imply that you're gay and would like their company for the evening.
9. Record over their Cannibal Corpse albums with other Cannibal Corpse albums and see if they ever notice the difference.
10. Refuse to accept their fake I.D.
11. Ask how much Dio got paid for his role as Stuart Little.
12. Use the phrase "cookie monster vocals" and act like it's the funniest, most original thing you've ever come up with.
13. If they're listening to metal, tell them "These guys don't have talent. Now (insert any mainstream band here), those guys have talent!"
14. Say "What is vinyl?"
15. Point out how homosexual Manowar is. If they agree, tell them the only thing more homosexual is Black Sabbath with Dio.
16. Tell them it all sounds the same.
17. Admit that Cliff Burton was a dirty hippy who had already peaked musically.
18. If they say they love 80s metal, ask them what ever happened to Poison.
19. Tell them you like underground music too, like (insert the newest overhyped fashionable loud-ish band from the radio)
20. Point out that Tarja from Nightwish can't sing.
21. Insist that Emperor videos would be better if they used a dance troupe.
22. Ask if Mayhem is Marilyn Manson's band.
23. Divert their CD shipments to the local Jewish community center.
24. Write "God Loves You" on their Venom backpatch.
25. Point out that just about every genre of music has an underground with bands who have integrity, so metal really isn't that unique.
26. Post under their nickname on a power metal board and say Ray Alder nutss all over John Arch.
27. Take out the Iron Maiden disc and put in 50 Cent.
28. Give them a spiky pop-punk haircut while they sleep.
29. Pronounce "Celtic Frost" correctly.
30. If they're over 25, say that people can still rock even if they have an unplanned child or two and drive a grocery getter. Then point and laugh.
31. Tell them you're not hiring and to try the other Cinnabon down the street.
32. Sit quietly and applaud politely at a metal show.
33. Make them be sober for five whole seconds.
34. Ask if Randy Rhoads was on the same flight as John Denver.
35. Tell them Korn brought metal back to life in the 90s.
36. Turn the bass way up on their stereo.
37. Laugh at Slayer for stealing their name from the Buffy show.
38. Call Doro fat.
39. Call them on their horrible grammar and/or spelling.
40. Remind them that metal is partially derived from the blues. Then accuse them of being wiggers.
41. Use the phrase "balls in a vice" at least three times when talking about classic metal and/or power metal vocalists.
42. If it's a guy with long hair, address him as if he were female. Don't correct yourself about it.
43 .Be impressed with how much RoadRunner Records has improved over the past ten years.
44. Say you love Metallica's debut, The Black Album.
45. Notice that Lemmy hasn't moved his left hand in 30 years of playing bass.
46. Refer to metal as "that kill-your-father rape-your-mother stuff."
47. Ask them if their favorite band is so good, how come nobody has ever heard of them.
48. Pine for the good old days when Pour Some Sugar On Me was a big hit.
49. Tell them you used to be a metalhead, but grew out of it when you started listening to more intellectual stuff like (insert any band at all here)
50. Post a list of "Ways To Annoy Metal Fans" knowing full well that so many of them internalize everything and can't take a joke.

101 Rules of Extreme Metal
not the best one we've found, but does contain a few classics.....

01. You must listen to (and name) at least 100 metal bands (power metal not included) before you are extreme.
02. Hair must be shoulder length, longer, or completely shaved off.
03. Drummers must weigh either under 60kg, or over 140kg - No in betweens.
04. Band logos must be totally undecipherable.
05. Song tempos are only allowed to register under 40bpm (extreme), or over 240bpm (extreme).
06. Thank-you list must comprise of every extreme metal band in existence (even if you have never met the band or heard their music).
07. The police picture of your ex-vocalist’s suicide must be used for the next album cover.
08. Drummer must be limited to blast beats and grind beats (even at 40bpm)
09. Profess the glory of Satan, especially if you are an atheist.
10. Sing about ancient cultures, and invent your own language to sing in.
11. Develop cancer or a tumor of some type.
12. Refer to 1
13. Wear every manner of injury inflicting clothing - manacles, bullet belts, spiky shin pads etc.
14. Sing about the dark lord and/or gore on your first album, and then onto politics and life on all proceeding albums, apparently you 'have matured'.
15. Wear black. Always.
16. Drive a funeral car as transportation for the band.
17. Release an album, then a year later, re-release it with a bonus track just to make people buy the album again.
18. Record twice as many songs as you plan to release, then ten year's later release the album as a collector's item.
19. Record a whole bunch of new songs, add a high frequency hiss, and cut the low frequencies, then release it as 'pre-band demo recordings'
20. Guitars must be shaped so that they may be used as a grievous weapon.
21. Never ever have the same band line up for any album or tour.
22. Feud with the band members that move on to other bands (good publicity).
23. Pretend that you 'hail from Norway'.
24. Do as many side projects that are humanly possible in your extreme time budget. One band, at least, must feature a female singer (your wife, cause no one else is extreme enough).
25. Albums should either be less than thirty minutes, or exactly sixty six minutes and six seconds.
26. In summer, black clothing can be hand torn into singlets and shorts to deal with heat (NEVER use scissors)
27. Have a royal throne for a toilet seat/table seat/car seat etc.
28. Marry a girl with so many piercings, she has more metal in her than a Massey Fergusson tractor – and can never get through a metal detector at the airport.
29. Have 52 metal t-shirts - one for each week of the year.
30. Play only Jackson and/or B.C.Rich guitars.
31. The first letter of every album titles must start at A, and then progress through the alphabet. (Altars of Madness, Blessed Are the Sick, Covenant...)
32. Become a 'specialist producer' of extreme metal, and build your very own studio in the heart of the Norwegian forest (helps with Forest Metal).
33. Forest metal is running round a dark forest, with a $10 Casio Keyboard, and a $5 microphone, records your new 'extreme atmospheric project'
34. Sing about serial killers only after you've met one and formed a relationship with them.
35. Never play in key. Chromaticism is the only way.
36. Let keyboard players 'jump' from band to band (it’s the only jumping they're allowed to do).
37. Claim to have burnt down a church and gone to jail for it (even if you really haven't).
38. Say the word 'EXTREME' and cross your arms in a X shape when you shout it, as often as possible
39. Play the bass without a plectrum.
40. Play drums barefoot, or in white socks if feeling especially extreme.
41. Call everyone 'Sons of Satan' even if you are addressing a female.
42. Be involved in the porn industry in any way possible, preferably as an actor called 'Penetrator' or 'Frosty-Spire'
43. Play only Axis bass drum pedals.
44. Take speed to be the fastest band on earth.
45. Smoke weed to be the slowest band on earth.
46. Guitars must be tuned lower than Ab before they are considered extreme.
47. Guitar solos must not sound anything like Yngwie Malmsteen or blues – solos must be so fast that fingers bleed.
48. Resurrect ****ty black metal bands, call yourself 'cult' and then release albums with the ****tiest possible production (by referring to rule 33).
49. Television viewing media is restricted to 'The Simpsons' and 'Homicide'.
50. List 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' as your all time favourite movie, only after 'Debbie Does Dallas'.
51. Tour every country possible, but NEVER EVER New Zealand.
52. Support established extreme metal acts, become famous, and even bigger than these acts, then never have anything to do with them again.
53. Drummers: 3 bars of blast beats followed by 1 bar of drum fill. Repeat. Do not deviate from this pattern, failure to follow these instructions may make you less extreme.
54. Marshall amps suck - Mesa Boogie amps rule.
55. Never use your real name, claim your extreme parents gave you the name ‘Persecuter’ at birth.
56. Call your band 'The Next Generation in Extreme Metal' (don't forget to cross your arms) even if you sound like you came straight from the 80's.
57. Make sure your band name is the same as another band's name in the other hemisphere.
58. Cite Darkthrone as a major influence (even if you have never heard them).
59. Have even more disturbing album artwork than the last 'yesterday' extreme band. Hire a professional uber-gore-meister-artist (primarily yourself - don't forget to change your name).
60. (a) Murder a person in another band to elevate you to extreme infamousness - publicity helps.
60. (b) Then write the rest of your albums from jail
61. Say that you've recorded at Morrisound Studios, Florida, USA, with Scott Burns as producer.
62. Organise tours with at least 9 bands on the bill - $6.66 tickets.
63. Have competitions on stage to see which of the nine bands can play the fastest.
64. Always have two (or more) bass drums.
65. Head bang until you get told by the doctor that those headaches indicate the possibility of serious brain damage. Carry on headbanging anyway because it is extreme.
66. When singing live, always do 'vocal bails' - do a low growl, because you know that when you go pussy high, you are going to fail it miserably.
67. Refer to 1.
68. Tell everyone that you are going to write all album material by yourself because the music and lyrics are headed in the wrong direction.
69. Join your wife's band.
70. Record an extreme metal video in ONLY ONE (1) of FOUR (4) possibly locations i) A Church, ii) A Graveyard, iii) A Forest, iv) A Castle.
71. If rule 70 ends up being too extensive, paint your band practice room black (it should be already, unless you are un-extreme), wear all black, and have different coloured instruments, so that viewers can only make out them, and your faces (which are white).
72. Bite a dove's head off (or substitute for any form of fowl).
73. All band photos must involve you holding a gun or axe.
74. All band photos must feature naked women looking like your loyal slaves.
75. Get rid of your drummer because he is too slow - get a drum machine instead.
76. Sing in as many different bands as you can possibly whore yourself too, and be totally un-committed to any of them. Unreliable as f@ck = extreme.
77. Record a Slayer cover.
78. After a band 'calls it a day', attempt to contact Rob Halford to start a new band.
79. Or alternatively, Phil Anselmo to resurrect a dead band.
80. Rip off as many samples from horror movies as possible to use in your extreme album. Copyright is for pussies.
81. Triggered drums are the only way to go, even if your snare sounds like a 6" tom.
82. Experience a heroin overdose, live through it, and say that you had to come back because Satan told you that you must piss more people off.
83. Say that you are a Satanist and that you only listen to black metal.
84. Say 'Morbid Angel is the best f@cking death metal band in the world".
85. A toilet is the best place to keep beer and alcohol chilled.
86. Kill your offspring if they become house/trance DJ's.
87. Admit you used to air guitar to KISS and that Gene Simmons is your God.
88. Listen and air drum to Motley Crue's 'Dr. FeelGood' album (yes its ok to do that).
89. Splatter as much fake blood on stage and your audience as stated in the rules of accordance in hiring your venue.
90. Wait, rules are for pussies.
91. Try to get your long hair stuck in as many people's mouths as possible in the audience.
92. Sing so brutal and low, so that people, who even know your lyrics, can't sing along, thus sound pussy in comparison to you. Exert your Extreme Dominance.
93 Recording a jam session in a blizzard on the snowy slopes of Norway is part of the pre-production for your new album.
94. Destroy as many hotel rooms as possible while on tour.
95. Beware of power metal album covers that look like black metal album covers - deception can be brutal.
96. Your middle name must be that of a weapon, succeeded by the word 'The'. eg. "John 'The Missile/Axe/Torpedo' Smith".
97. Wearing leather pants means they must be tight enough to show a **** print.
98. Corpse paint is compulsory when meeting the in-laws.
99. Lay down the smack on all people not as extreme as you, exert your dominance extremely.
100. Work/Live by a steel factory and claim that 'metal has been in my blood from a young age'.
101. The most important rule of extreme metal: “In order to create art of the most truest form, one must live it.” Kill yourself and die, and only then can you write and perform the most extreme of extreme metal possible.

131 Rules of a Kerrang Kid

1. Your hair is dyed a colour that doesn't appear naturally in humans, and you think tattoos and piercings are "sexy."
2. "Rip," "Suck," and "Rule" are the best descriptions you can come up with for music.
3. You think ICP is funny.
4. You think Korn is a metal band.
5. When you write or type words, you do it LiKe ThIs because you think it looks ReAlLy kEwL.
6. You think "Eighties Metal" refers to Motley Crue, Bon Jovi, and Poison.
7. You call yourself a metal fan, but when someone mentions Tom G.Warrior you just get a confused look on your face.
8. You're white, yet you wear really baggy clothes and try to come off as being hardcore.
10. You call people "fags" and "pieces of muthafuckin' shit."
11. You assume that if someone doesn't like Slipknot, they must listen to "pussy stuff like N'sync".
12. You claim to like heavy metal, yet can't name any German thrash bands.
13. You call things "the shit."
14. You own a Dr. Suess hat.
15. You think "goth" means Marilyn Manson.
16. You associate "industrial" with Prodigy instead of Skinny Puppy and Foetus.
17. You have a tribal tattoo.
18. You'd just die if Jonathan Davis touched you!
19. You think black metal bands are trying to copy KISS with their image.
20. You say things like, "Korn rulz and always will! If u dun like them you sux!"
21. You're under 20 years old and claim to like "extreme music."
22. You think the cops probably want to steal your pot.
23. Your music collection consists of less than 100 items. Most or all of these names appear in your collection: Korn, Taproot, Limp Bizkit, Fear Factory, Machine Head, Coal Chamber, System Of A Down, Downset, Soulfly, Pantera, Mudvayne, and Static-X.
24. You say some rap is good.
25. You love Incubus and don't know that there was once a Florida thrash metal band by the same name.
27. You're a 17 year old female and wear crop tops under your open ski jacket in January to show off your navel piercing. Flabby abdominal muscles do not seem to deter you, either.
28. You know who Wayne Static is and think his hair is kEwL.
29. You think Korn "revitalized heavy metal", even though the band themselves want to be disassociated with the genre.
30. You don't realize that Rob Flynn disgraces his past in Vio-lence with every passing moment he spends in Machine Head.
31. You have covered the back of your car in stickers, including at least one anarchy symbol, and one alien.
32. You think death metal is Satanic.
33. You think that by dressing, looking and talking like every other Kerrang simpleton that you're showing your individuality and expressing your uniqueness.
34. You think Fear Factory keeps getting better on every album.
35. You don't realize that Pantera ripped off Exhorder after deciding to cease and desist with glam.
36. You think that Metallica is good for a bunch of old geezers and Reload rocks!!
37. You consider the black album "old Metallica".
38. You think that Roadrunner is an underground label.
39. HMV meets all of your music needs.
40. You think you're on the cutting edge of music after seeing such "obscure" bands as Mushroomhead, Taproot, and Drowning Pool.
41. You learned your ebonics from Hatebreed.
42. You never experienced the torture of "Headbangers' Ball" - sitting through 2 hours and 50 minutes of White Lion, Extreme, Enuff Z Nuff and Poison to see a Kreator video.
43. You think Kid Rock is the first person to combine rap with "heavy" guitars.
44. You actually like Staind. Enough to buy it on CD. Enough to see them live. Enough to wear one of their shirts in public.
45. You say you hate the government yet can't name more than five people who actually work in the government, and one of those people is your aunt Irene that works at the DMV.
46. You don't find this rant amusing in the slightest.
47. You think your backpack goes nicely with your backwards baseball cap.
48. You think that the pictures of Coal Chamber are not at all silly, goofy, ugly, or stupid. In fact, you think at least one of the band members is really hot - even in these clothes. In fact, you dress like this every day and your parents and/or teachers give you a lot of grief about it.
49. You say things like "Korn are heavier than Iron Maiden or Judas Priest EVER were".
50. You're constantly in danger of tripping over your wallet chain.
51. You shave your eyebrows to look like that fag from Orgy.
52. You think Stormwitch, Anvil, Destruction and Blood Feast are new games for N64.
53. You think Slipknot is "The heaviest fucking band on earth, EVER. Nothing could top that, dude."
54. You think Linkin Park mosh pits are "violent."
55. Your parents hate your look but buy you your ridiculous clothes anyway because your broke ass won't.
56. You think punk rock was started by Sum 41
57. You think a band kicks ass if the guitarist performs a BMX Tabletop while he's playing that constant over-distorted open sludge note on it.
58. You look like Fred Durst.
59. You wear a red baseball cap that's somewhat furry.
60. You look like Eminem and actually think he's kEwL.
61. You know every lyric to all of Eminem's albums.
62. Before the Black Album got huge, you called Metallica "worship-Satan, kill-your-mother, rape-your-sister shit."
63. Hot Topic, Aeropostale and Gadzooks meet all of your clothing needs.
64. You actually think Kid Rock is worth your spending money on.
65. When somebody mentions metal, you think Papa Roach instead of Motorhead.
66. You've heard real metal and you don't like it.
67. You refuse to acknowledge the fact that Slipknot's masks are just gimmicks.
68. You think Limp Bizkit and Crazy Town are "tight."
69. You call death metal boring but you've never actually listened to a death metal band.
70. You get confused in the metal chatroom as to why most people there are "dissing" your favorite band.
71. You've sent hatemail to webmasters of anti-nu metal sites (with bad grammar and obscene language, of course).
72. You dress in a gothic way, listen to stuff such as Marilyn Manson and Korn but have the nerve to call yourself a non-conformist.
73. You fancy yourself as a non-conformist rebel but shrink back in fear everytime your maths teacher tells you to "knock it off!"
74. Every time a new Kerrang band pops up, you are usually one of the first to buy their CDs at HMV.
75. You claim you don't like boy bands or rappers but you hang around with most of their fans.
76. You think the singer from Mudvayne is really hot.
77. When somebody mentions Slayer you think God Hates Us All.
78. You say the first Coal Chamber album doesn't sound like Korn.
79. You get confused when somebody says the singer from Tristania is better than the singer from Kittie.
80. You say Hot Topic isn't a trendy store.
81. Your hair is more colours than a hippie's shirt.
82. Your idea of Death Metal is Fear Factory.
83. Your screenname has more X's than ever thought imaginable in a 16-letter space.
84. You actually smoke pot on April 20th.
85. You think Cannibal Corpse started "death metal."
86. Your closet is full of Jncos and Korn/Slipknot/Mudvayne shirts, all with bleach stains and holes and fringed ends.
87. Your idea of a heavy guitar sound is an Ibanez RG7 tuned to Z flat.
88. You don't know what happened to Danzig after The Misfits.
89. You use your index, pinky AND thumb when making the metal salute.
90. Your idea of underground is Spineshank.
91. The more dented, scratched, stickered up and destroyed your guitar is, the better it is.
92. You think that by rebelling against your parents you're actually accomplishing something.
93. You've hit a "gravity bong."
94. You think of Cold as being emotional.
95. You consider yourself a black metal fan because you recently found out about Phil Anselmo's side project "Viking Crown."
96. You think Cradle Of Filth is black metal.
97. You deny that Slipknot and Korn are mainstream, yet they are constantly aired on MTV.
98. You really think Marilyn Manson maims animals on stage.
99. All of your friends look exactly like you with slight differences like whether the lip piercing is on the left or right.
100. Your idea of a diverse musical taste is Blink 182.
101. You own a skateboard.
102. You think Slipknot's drummer is good because he can play double bass.
103. You worship Slipknot but don't know who Anal Blast are.
104. You think every band Metal Edge Magazine mentions is metal. Not to mention go by what bands label themselves, no matter how false it is.
105. You play a 7-string guitar and seriously think Korn invented them.
106. You don't know that Korn ripped off a Morbid Angel song. The breakdown of Morbid Angel's "Angel Of Disease" sounds exactly like Ball Tongue. (Angel Of Disease-1993, Ball Tongue-1994)
107. You say "y'all."
108. You think Tool is talented because they sound different from other Kerrang bands.
109. Whenever your parents or other adults are around, you cough to hide the obscenities when you have a Korn CD on.
110. You think no one listens to Eighties Metal anymore and if they do, they're at least forty years old.
111. You think Chris Barnes has the "deepest voice."
112. Your parents make you go to church and you think you're evil and blasphemic by wearing a Marilyn Manson shirt when you go with them.
113. The first time you ever heard Morbid Angel was when you saw them with Pantera and Kittie.
114. When someone mentions grind, all you can think of is Anal Cunt.
115. You think real metallers have never outsmarted a Kerrang nerd and foolishly try to fight them.
116. You think people who don't like Kerrang don't buy it because they can't understand it.
117. You think people who don't like Kerrang can't take "hard music."
118. You think Deicide is the most Satanic band in the world.
119. You think Corey Taylor is "da best fuckin' metal singer EVER."
120. You think Slayer are the godfathers of "death metal."
121. When someone mentions Hellhammer, you think of the drummer of Kovenant.
122. Your only use for vinyl records is as a frisbee.
123. You like Primus, but don't know who Possessed were.
124. You would cream yourself if Ozzy autographed your copy of the Reunion CD.
125. You say anything you don't listen to must suck.
126. You think Ozzy is the godfather of all metal.
127. You think Brave New World is the best Maiden album.
128. You think "666" is a Satanic symbol.
129. You obstinately deny the influence of Kerrap in Kerrang even though many of the bands claim Kerrap influence.
130. You've never heard 80s Sepultura.
131. Last, but not least the first time you hear of Meshuggah is when they play Ozzfest this summer.

101 Rules of Hardcore
Contains a couple of grammatical mistakes, but what the fuck......

1) Be tough at all times.
2) Never cheer after a show, only clap.
3) Be open minded in a "punch people" kind of way
4) Only the good hardcore bands have names that are sentences with bad grammar. Boy Hits Car, Boy Sets Fire, Skycamefalling, Boy Sets Car-fire.
5) Ankles are tough so bring your socks down into your shoes so we can see them.
6) Tattoos are tough especially when they are on your calves. See Rule 5 on how to see said tattoo more clearly.
7) Wear your hoody in the mosh pit because sweating like a wild pig makes you look tough.
8) Don't admit you listen to heavy metal.
9) (Exception to rule 8) Only admit you listen to heavy metal if you think it is ironic and you wear 80's cheese metal shirts.
10) Be a non-conformist, just like all your friends.
11) Practice hardcore dancing in front of your mirror and then try them out the next time Atreyu comes to town.
12) A hardcore band is only original if you call it something-core. Example Screamcore, emocore, Screamocore, mathcore, or Medio-core.
13) Remember, it's fun to punch and kick kung fu style.
14) Keep it in the do-jo.
15) Real hardcore fans are called kids.
16) Complain how hardcore bands are playing with metal bands at all costs!
17) Have your own zine, website, production company or be in a band. Claim you are friends with the singer from Shai Hulud.
18) Tell people you work in the music industry.
19) More Ankles people!
20) Embrace everybody in the scene except for those people who are not you.
21) Refer to bands as old school or new school then act tough again.
22) Pretend that you get Dillinger Escape plan.
23) Shop at second hand stores and then go buy expensive shoes.
24) Beat people up and then go to bible study class.
25) Smoking and drinking and having sex before marriage is too trendy. Real hardcore tough guys abstain.
26) Whatever you do, don't let the singer on stage ever sing in the mic. Make sure you grab it from him and sing in it yourself, after all, you do a better job singing then him. It's a wonder they didn't put you on the album.
27) Start your own hardcore band.
28) Have your logo resemble some random 80's product for nostalgia.
29) Talk about the scene any chance you get. Say as many obscure hardcore bands from NJ as possible.
30) If you are shy start an emo band so you don't have to look at the audience.
31) People who know more bands than you are better than you.
32) Add the Letter X before and after important words. XhardcorekidX XmoshfuckX
33) Never say "Did you hear the new Strung Out?" Unless you are attempting to be funny in which case stop it because hardcore kids are tough not funny.
34) It's merch not Merchandise.
35) Hardcore girls must wear head bands at all times.
36) Stretch your ears out to look more intimidating.
37) The bigger you stretch you ears out the more hardcore you are.
38) Your ear should be stretched out enough to accommodate a block of wood, a hubcap or a penis.
39) People in the front row are best used as a ladder/staircase to reach your goal... steal the mic away from the singer.
40) When people ask you if you like a band always say "I only like the old stuff" or "I haven't really gotten into the new stuff."
41) Buy all of that bands merch.
42) Wear your new merch at the next hardcore show.
43) Repeat steps 41 and 42
44) If you have to wear glasses make sure they are thick, black framed ones.
45) Don't tell anybody but make sure you try on your new vintage clothes and stud belt before heading out to see Poison the well.
46) Never admit you don't like Hatebreed and go see them live 12 times a year.
47) Complain that they are playing with Slayer but don't admit you actually like Slayer.
48) Complain at all costs.
49) Tag team hardcore dancing is cool
50) Real hardcore kids are really struggling photographers.
51) You don't go to hardcore concerts, you go to hardcore shows. BIG difference.
52) Name your hardcore dance moves things like "The mother fuck" or "kick that guys ass move" or better yet... stay home and cry.
53) Protect your body from swinging limbs by sacrificing your two arms.
54) Scream about love.
55) All age venues are important so you are not tempted to drink.
56) Claim you know a guy who knows a guy whose best friend was standing next to the guy who got his ass kicked during Converge. Bash the hardcore scene and then go see The Get Up Kids.
57) Anytime somebody mentions a band always say you know somebody in the band.
58) Wear your pins with honour! Shai Hulud, American Nightmare, Minor Threat and the purple heart of valour.
59) Velcro shoes are cool.
60) Don't admit that you have a crush on the singer from Walls of Jericho. If somebody asks, say you respect her as a musician only.
61) Your band name should contain one of the following words: Blood, Murder, Kill, Victim and butterfly.
62) Print your band name as if it was on a bad printing press. Actual graphics are for posers.
63) Sleep on a portrait painted prettier then everyone.
64) 100 bands from around the world to play in your city. All of them are the world's best hardcore bands. Every label represented, every hardcore genre present. The venue is the best all-ages venue in the world. Tickets are $1.00. It is your job to go around saying the festival should be free.
65) Record producers must make sure to pump the mid because mid is tough.
66) Re-issue your demos after every album.
67) When the band starts playing everybody join hands and make a big circle so we can watch the big kids play.
68) Crying on stage makes you a professional.
69) Complain some more.
70) Album covers must be made at home on Photoshop by your good friend.
71) If you are from New York NEVER smile in a promo pic. In fact always try to cross your arms and look into the camera as if you are going to beat up whom ever is looking.
72) If you are from New Jersey NEVER smile in a promo pic either. In fact try to look like you just lost your girl friend to the hardcore band from New York.
73) Never admit that Emo is Country music lyrics mixed with pop rock riffs and marketed by 17 year olds trying to make their friend be the next Dashboard Confessional.
74) American Idol is your worst enemy. (But you voted for Ruben)
75) You can get away with glitter on your face as long as your stretched ear plugs are clear.
76) Fuck beer, Got breast milk?
77) Bandanas are cool.
78) Bandanas with big X on them are cooler.
79) Bandanas with big X on them were cool last week you poser.
80) Your best friend is a guy named XattackX from Jersey who you chat with on MSN everyday. He is coming to see you one day. Really.
81) Chunky breakdowns in your songs are original and you should continue to do them despite every other band doing them which is clearly a rip off of your band.
82) Judge other bands and always compare them to the socio-cultural effects of the band Integrity.
83) Look up Socio-cultural in the dictionary and then get offended.
84) Green Day is the real reason you are still alive.
85) Describe your group of friends as "the scene" and then watch bootlegs of last weeks
86) Obey the laws of the hardcore scene or forever be banished from the circle.
87) When somebody asks you what is hardcore respond with "I am hardcore" then punch somebody in the face for looking at you wrong.
88) Keep punching
89) Kick a little too
90) Punch
91) Add a threat about their mother for good measure.
92) Pretend you are won the fight then pickup your dismembered left arm.
93) You are wearing the same thing as the 40-year old gas pump attendant but for some strange mystical reason you are cooler than he is.
94) Tell everybody that Trustkill Records are too trendy.
95) Did you stop acting tough? I saw you hug that teddy bear.
96) Pierce you tits and tattoo your body.
97) Straight bangs means straight-edge
98) Being vegan means you can't swallow sperm.
99) When in doubt Mock everything
100) Take everything personally.
101) Assume this list is about you

This is a copy of an e-mail currently doing the rounds, judging by the spelling it originated in the States. # 79 is missing - don't know why. Read on and enjoy.

101 Rules of Black Metal

1. Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Don´t pronounce words that silly as Attila did on Mayhem´s "DeMysterriis..." (Fffffuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeerrrrrrrrraaaaal Fog)
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a black metal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than15adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like a troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes down turned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.
39. Never play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look atyou.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in anycase, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
60. Accept every interview you're offered... then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The NextGeneration.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy@#%$" whenever possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the@#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule1)
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smiley: -(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amateurs...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nornecro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e.Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you mayalso want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part orsomething.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order itimmediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" wheneverpossible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$"during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on DeMysteriis DomSathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pickup that makeup and fight, soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!